I know that suicide is not a topic one would normally consider for a site about the “UP” state, but it’s the other side of a coin. I jsut watched an episode involving the suicide of one of the doctors on Houses team, it made me consider and think:
I can recall when I was younger, my father had been dead for a couple of years. I was had just married, a few months prior. We still lived at my mothers house, because I was in school, and we were looking for jobs, etc. etc.
The truth was I was failing out of school. Not because I was unable to do the work, but because something inside of me made it impossible. I was unable to grieve, not because I didn’t understand the process, but because something inside of me made it impossible.
My wife, and my mother were gone on a trip overseas. My Mother had planned that trip for a while, my wife was asked by her grandmother if she would go, since her mother couldn’t. They were to be gone 2 whole weeks.
The first day or so, I was ok, the third or fourth day, I stopped going to class. I called in sick to work, and stayed in bed, all day. At some point in time I put a loaded .38 under my pillow. I didn’t have the intention of ending my life, but something inside me made it impossible not to put that revolver under my pillow.
Around day 8 or 9 I woke up and realized that I had been in bed (except for nature calls) for the better part of 5 days. I didn’t remember the last time I answered the phone. I didn’t know what I planned to do with the revolver. I recognized there was a problem.
Fortunately I had a family doctor, he had been my fathers doctor, who was old school. I called his office, for some reason they put me on the line with him. He told me to come straight in to his office. He talked to me. Asked me lots of questions. I told the truth, mostly. He asked if I had had any suicidal thoughts, I told him no. I hadn’t considered suicide much… not after I considered the mess that it would leave for my loved ones. He gave me a mild sedative to help me sleep (He said I don’t know exactly what it was), and told me if anything changed I was to call him immediately. I told him I would.
I obviously didn’t take my life at that point, at least I didn’t use a gun, or razor, or anything that conventional. I did something else. Something that took me years to recognize and finally allow God to help me with. You see I believed that suicide is wrong. It doesn’t solve any problems for us, it doesn’t answer any questions, and it certainly doesn’t help anyone else that we care about. As a result, I shut down that inner me, the one that felt pain, that felt joy, that felt love.
My wife and I moved not long after that, we had our own apartment. We eventually had our first and then second child. All that time, I wanted to feel the joy of the love that I knew was there. I wanted to feel peace, joy, love, gentleness, self control, all the “fruits of the spirit” (found in Galations 5) I wanted to, but deep down I was afraid that if I let those feelings out the fear, and hurt, and anger, and pain would come too.
I was right, but I was also wrong. You see like any infected wound, the scab had to be broken, the infection had to be drained, and the wound cleaned so it could heal. I will never be the same as I was before that wound. Yet I can have compassion, I can understand more fully when someone is at that point where they feel they have no choice. I can reach out my hand to help someone who is in need.
I never could remove that scab myself. It took revelation from God and the prayer of a man of God, then it took more death and more pain for me to fully understand that I had to let that grief flow. My wife looks at me and wonders why I cry at movies or even some commercials, I can’t explain that I cry because if I stop it there.. then I don’t know that I can keep from stopping all emotions. I don’t want to go back to that time of numbness, that time of being so full that I felt I would burst, but not being able to let any of those emotions out.
I missed many things as a result, I hope and pray that my children really know how much I truly love them, I feel that I was so distant from them. I pray that my wife will really understand, some day, just how much I care about her, how much my life truly revolves around her. I know I’m a pitiful husband in many ways, but I hope that she can see that I am trying, still, to get back across that gulf of emptiness. It took me years to understand it and it’s taken years to get almost back to her… I’m glad she loves me, because if she didn’t I don’t know. She has put up with SO much for my sake, that I hope she realizes some day just how much I appreciate it.
God has done the healing, and God has helped me in so many areas, I think that He will use this scar in my life to be able to help others, at least I hope and pray that He will.
I just realized that I have friends who read this blog that probably never knew this about me. I am sorry if I burst some image that you have of me. Know that I am OK. If I wern’t I certainly wouldn’t write this here.
I will write here in black and white, that I love God with all my heart, I love my family, I love my church, and I long for my calling in the church to someday be made clear. I know that if I can reach just one person, help just one lost and lonely soul find that there is hope, there is a light at the end of that darkness, then I am fulfilling that which God has for me, and it’s worthwhile.
I almost decided not to publish this, but I suppose that it is probably for the better to let people see that there is a way out of that darkness and pain.
I hope and pray that God will use this to help someone.
If you are feeling suicidal, or even if you just need help. I suggest that you call the national Suicide Prevention hotline.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis. If you need help, please dial 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You will be routed to the closest possible crisis center in your area. With more than 130 crisis centers across the country, our mission is to provide immediate assistance to anyone seeking mental health services. Call for yourself, or someone you care about. Your call is free and confidential.
I always have to have an UP side and the UP-side is this. God is faithful. We will have struggles, trials, and even pain, but God will let all of these things work for the good of those who love him. He won’t make bad things happen, but when they do, He will utilize those bad things to make us stronger, more compassionate, more loving people. He will make all things work together for the good of them who love Him.
Trust in him. While I do not feel qualified to discuss suicide, and again, suggest you contact the suicide hotline, I do feel qualified to help you find Jesus. I will be happy to pray for and with you. To explain how I know Jesus and how he has made a difference in my life.
If you are reading this, and you do not believe in the Christian God, I will not argue with you. I simply ask that you give me the simple curtesy of not arguing with me as well.
Jonathan Wagner
Note: Just in case anyone wondered. The time I am writing about was a little under 20 years ago. By Gods grace and Mercy I have been delivered from that pain and darkness for almost 10 years now. -JW
